A Double-Edged Cristmas [25/12/09]

I sit at the dining room table

The smell of Christmas turkey

Ignites feelings of the childhood nostalgia

I hold so dear

Only, something is missing

Dad is at work

Says he couldn’t get the time off

And he really wishes he could be here

I wish I could believe him

 

You wait in line at the food bank

Praying that there’s enough

So you won’t cringe in hungry agony

Not tonight

This day used to be good for you

Used to be for you what it is for me

But not anymore

Not since your mom got angry

And hurt you

Not since you left

You breathe in the chill of December air

And thank the heavens it isn’t snowing

Or raining

Thank the heavens that it’s just very cold

 

Uncle Jim dives in for seconds

Aunt Judy claims she couldn’t eat another bite

And leaves a healthy slice of turkey

On her unpolished plate

I pull up closer to the fireplace

Warm, so very warm

I watch the red and orange dance

Filling the room with glee

 

You watch the same bright magic dance

In a vacant lot

Roaring out the mouth of a garbage pale

Which you hover over for heat

The rarity of warmth

The unusual warmth draws others

You are eager to share

And there are smiles all around

When one boy gives to you

His only offering: a slice of bread

You accept

And feel a new kind of warm

Than the one created by the blazing beauty

 

Mom offers me the last slice of bread

The fresh aroma of home-baked goodness engulfs me

I take it

Even though I’m full

I take it

And indulge in the soft, moist, buttery delight

I think about you

As I eat it

I think about you

But what can I do?

If I spit the bread out

If I had said no

Would that have helped you?

No

I am powerless

You can’t eat the meal that remains

On Aunt Judy’s plate

 

The inferno dies down

At that, your newfound company invites you with them

You go

To an abandoned warehouse

And a smile wipes across you face

A Christmas indoors

And with friends, to boot

What more could you ask for?

 

I open my presents

Disappointment

I had not gotten

The only thing I really wanted

The only thing I asked for

But I hid my feelings well

And thanked mom just the same

I know she really tried

And so I tell myself

Maybe next year will be better

Maybe I will get what I wanted

Maybe dad will be home too

Is that really too much to ask for?

 

And then I think of you

You who, in this very moment

Does not complain

Does not get angry

Does not feel empty

When I do

And I seriously wonder

Though the question’s quite ridiculous

Though the answer’s quite pathetic

And leaves me but to crumble

In more of my misery state

I honestly contemplate

For I haven’t a clue

At this very moment who is happier

Me or you?