Joanna Zhu

I’ve just wasted an afternoon playing Angry Birds. Its quite an addicting game and it has nothing to do with angry birds. Its about killing pigs. Of course you do it by shooting birds at them, and I don’t even know why its so addicting. It could be because its so well animated and there’s a bajillion scenarios. Kinda like my life right now. And I feel so confused with all these options in front of me and I’m afraid that one wrong step could lead me to a trap. I guess I’ve blogged a couple of posts on how frustrated I am about my future and its probably because that’s the only thing that really occupies my mind now that IB’s gone. Even going to school is confusing as I have to attend only some classes while being unsure where to go for the rest of the day. Especially on day 1, where I have history first and last block, and have 2 empty blocks in between in which I want to go home but I know my mom would just get mad if I ask her to pick me up and drop me off back at school within a 2 hour interval. And most of all, I hate this feeling of scatteredness, like there’s no organization to my life; no structure, and my friends are all over the place, some are at the mall, some back at home by themselves cleaning out their closets and I’m at the library reading Martha Stewart living like a domesticated housewife. I understand that this is the long awaited “break” I get from my 2 grueling years of IB torture, but this “reward” I’d rather exchange for the busy pre-IB exams days where I whine about waking about at 6am in the morning but secretly (and thoroughly) enjoy getting to school and seeing the sleepy faces of all my classmates complaining about TOK. And today when Matheny asked us about “regrets” this past year, I don’t think I have one. I mean, if you ask me if I would want to redo IB all over again, I would say yes, again and again. It was worth every sleepless night I had. And I guess its only now that my “education” is gone that I realize how much I truly miss it.

Despite the fact that IB’s over, I still can’t sleep early. Could it be because I’m already conditioned to sleeping late? Because even though I want to get more sleep and get rid of my panda circles, I don’t feel sleepy at all and I just flip and turn in my bed. I think it is because that IB’s over and I finished one chapter of my life that I feel more unaware of my future. What am I suppose to do with myself? And is what I’m going to do something that I truly want for myself? I know I’m still young and I still have lots of time even if I decide another path… but wouldn’t it be nice if I could just get it right the first time around? But as of right now, it seems improbable. Even for my summer this year, I am confused. I’ve always played provincial ultimate the past 2 summers and trained and conditioned on my spare time in the summer. But this summer, I don’t know why but I went on the registration page for the BC provincials U18 team tryouts and I just stared at the page before I closed it. At the time I thought maybe this summer I’ll spend it with my parents or just do some travelling with friends. But now that registration is over, I’m not sure if I made the right decision or not. Even now, I don’t know what was going on in my head when I closed the window and I sorta regret it now because I truly love playing ulti with my sunburnt and sweaty teammates. And I’m not sure if I want to continue playing sports in university or not. If I do, then I would be completely out of shape for varsity tryouts and would just make a joke of myself. And so while all these indecisions are slowly eating away at my sanity, I’m just sitting here staring at the laptop blogging because quite frankly, I’m tired of thinking.

So we’re finally finished IB. And I would have expected something more dramatic, like a fireworks show now that I’ve finally been released from the brutal and roughhewn claws of this horrible monster that has stripped me of 2 years of my childhood. Because that’s what I thought coming into IB; the beginning will be rough and it’ll probably shred my pride into pieces as I get my tests back with a 49.4% on it or something, but in the end, it’ll be all worth it. After exams, I will immediately change into shorts, tee, sunglasses and get myself a frappucino and just lay outside the classroom of non-IB kids and laugh at them, because I can. But after exams, all I feel is tired and empty. Also, it was a pretty cold day with no sun the day exams finished, so that put a damper on my evil plans. But in reality, it feels disheartening to know that this constant companion of my past 2 years is now suddenly gone. What am I going to do with my life now? I’m actually a bit frightened now that its all finished. Like this journey I that I’m running to a destination, or climbing a mountain and finally reaching the peak, you stand there for a moment and ponder and look at the view, but now that you have reached this point, you’re not sure what to do with it accomplished and all. Should I climb a higher mountain? Which mountain should I climb? Maybe I should do something else with my life instead of climbing mountains. And all these questions flood your mind and diminishes that glorious euphora of finishing IB. Because now there’s a fork in the road and both destinations are hazy and dark and you can’t turn back once you choose one.

IB exams aren’t as bad as I thought they would be. I mean, other than the fact that we have to cram 2 years worth of knowledge in a single night study session, its just like any other day in the life of an IB student; go home, get a muffin from the fridge, take 2 bites of the muffin before realizing you have a truckload of homework and tossing the sad looking muffin onto your collection of muffins with a bite gnawed off, attempt to start homework but realizing that there’s some new videos on youtube, proceed to slacking off until its 9pm and understanding how extremely screwed you are. Finally getting out the notes and skimming it whilst creating hundreds of acronyms to remember the details but in reality, you know that creating so many acronyms defeats the purpose of creating acronyms in the beginning.  Falling asleep on the chair or sometimes on the ground, that’s always a classic. Wake up to that wonderful feeling of unpreparedness and going to school to be destroyed. But then after exams are finished, (this happens everytime) you feel like that the exams weren’t all that bad. In fact, you answered most, if not all the questions (the accuracy is another story) but overall, you feel satisfied with what you did, and you feel so lucky that all the chapters and details you skipped are not in the test because you have the option of choosing 2 out of 5 topics. And in the end of the day, there’s going to be some downers after chatting with friends and realizing none of you guys have the same answers for particular questions, but you just shake your head, clear your mind, cross off that exams from your agenda and look forward to the same thing happening again tomorrow and the day after tomorrow.

So today I was feeling sentimental again (will this ever stop?) and decided to write my letter to the lucky 2012 global ed-er who gets into the program. I was sitting in front of my laptop for the whole morning thinking of what I should or could say to the new kids that come. And the same question as the one I had in September when I received my letter from the Mongolian grad and deliberated to myself what should I write to next year’s global perspectives’ students?  Would I congratulate them for making the class…or would that be redundant as they already celebrated with friends the moment the email was sent…or should I put in some cheesy life lesson learned? Or some experiences I’ve had that changed my life, but when read by others, seems trivial? After pondering on that thought, it made me realize that although I don’t know who I’m writing to, and although I have no idea what they might do with my letter afterwards, and although they will have a completely different place to visit, the soon to be Global Ed-ers will have a similarly amazing experience; something to call theirs just like the inside jokes between all the Fijians now; the smiling faces whenever someone sings “1,2,1,2…like a 2-piece”, the bond we share now …is something that they will also experience by the end of their global trip. I wish I could explain to the mystery to-be global person the different events in detail; each and every funny story that has happened along the way in my global trip, but it would be pointless because he or she have to experience it for themselves to understand. And I guess even after reading my letter, they would still not be that hyped about it and will probably think that all us Gr.12 are making this “Global thing” look bigger than it actually is, exaggerating our trip to be the best thing that’s happened in our lives or something, and you know what? It probably was. But in the beginning, when I first got into the program, I was confused as to what the buildup was all about too. In fact, when a Mongolian gave me a letter explaining the details of his trip and how awesome it was, I lost the letter a few days after I read it. It wasn’t intentional, but I didn’t put much thought into it, and now I sort of regret it because after experiencing everything myself, I can understand the excitement the past Global grad had; nostalgia, sadness, hopefulness and a bit of impatience wanting to tell me all the things he’s done…the same emotions I’m feeling now.

Today it was revealed that the new global ed-ers are going to Botswana. Many of us Fijians were having a bet on where they would go next and guesses included Yemen, India, Venezuela, the whole continent of Africa (hahah Victoria)… but no one won a dollar. And right when “Botswana” was revealed, I definitely felt that there was more emotion coming from us Fijians; the “boos” that gradually turned into “yaays” probably describes everything I’m feeling right now. I know that I’ve already been given the opportunity of a lifetime to be in this program and now that I’m done, I should move aside to give this change to another faithful individual, but somewhere in the depths of my viscera I know that I don’t want to give this up. I mean, its not greed or jealousy because no matter where global perspectives 2012 goes to, it can never supersede our 2 weeks in Fiji and I wouldn’t change that experience for anything. But I guess there are feelings of withdrawal, feelings of wanting to still look forward to something even though the main purpose of our trip has already been achieved. And as I go on this website again, even the template has changed to “Colts to Botswana” and this hit me hard. I guess we’re finally replaced, there’s a new set of Colts to replace our legacy….and although I’ll sulk at the beginning, I’m sure in a few days I’ll start cheering.

The last week has been horrible. I was reading and rereading my journal from Fiji and now it’s to the point where at the top of each page, the date is smudged with tear marks. And this doesn’t help because firstly, I already write extremely chaotically in all caps, and secondly, most of my entries were written on the busride to the remote village, so there are many sudden scratches and spirals that extend from my “Qs” and “Ps” from the bumpy ride. At class today we were looking at some of the crudely drawn maps and descriptions of Lhabasa we saw before we left the trip and now that we’ve been to Wavuwavu and back, the picture doesn’t do it justice at all.  I still remember our first bus ride there; the smell is that of a timbered rainforest just before it’s about to rain, and reminds me of my childhood in the rural outskirts of China- carefree, oblivious. At that moment, I don’t feel like I’ll ever want to leave already (and the project didn’t even start yet.) Before, I joked about becoming a hermit and living by myself on a little hill somewhere far away from society, but I really wouldn’t mind living in the mountains now, questioning why I even had petty notions of wanting materialistic goods before. And from just sitting in a bus, looking out, I think I understand why Matheny refused to show us pictures of Wavuwavu before and was adamant on having us experience it for ourselves. It was absolutely break taking. I’ve waited forever to see this and it was indescribable.

I realize that it seems like I haven’t made much of a response since we got back. But to be completely honest, I needed a week to adjust; to not just adjust back into my own culture, but also my reality.

It feels that many people have been captured by the Fijian friendliness and just how close knit the Fijian community and families were when we visited the village of Wavuwavu to the point that many wanted to stay in the village forever. And for me too, a part of my heart will always belong in Fiji, but now that I’ve come back, its time for me to tuck away this precious memory in a special place. Whenever I reminisce, I could go back and retrieve that piece of memory from my treasure box and relive the most amazing 2 weeks of my life again. Many things get me emotional these days because anything I see in my current life relating back to Fiji makes me stop whatever I’m doing and just blank out. When Jeff found the song, “2-piece” by J-Co, and uploaded it on facebook yesterday, I started tearing up. And it was not like that song was a very sad or emotional song, because it was a completely random song that was played from the radio in Fiji at the time we were there. But the memories that song brought up was when the two village boys, Avatesh and Avashik were dancing for us, freestyling and jumping around teaching us how to dance. It made me realize how much I missed the villagers and how much I missed the Fijian village boys, and if I could, I would spend the rest of my life as a hermit living on Vijay’s hill with its magnificent scenery and splendor. But you know what? As beautiful and friendly as the village is, it is not the society that we belong in. In fact, the only reason we were even surviving in there was due to the hospitality of Deep’s family who looked out for us and cooked the food for us. Had we stayed there forever, we would have been burdensome for the villagers. And during the tour week where I was able to reflect, I discovered that instead of only looking at the positives of Fiji and picking on the negatives of the North American conventions, I should be looking at the positives of the society that I grew up in. I mean yeah, we live in a pretty materialistic society and being based on capitalism, most of the time its all about “me, me, me.” We are all so caught up with ourselves and our technology (this week I came back from Fiji, my laptop is open almost 24/7) that we sever ourselves from the beauty of the natural world (something I almost forgot had it not been for this trip.) But instead of having a negative outlook on technology, I now think of it as a way for society to advance so that one day, these new ideas will surface in the village of Wavuwavu also and become accessible and affordable to them too.  In fact, now that I’ve come back to Canada, despite the fact that my laptop is open all the time, I don’t feel the necessity to watch youtube videos or play neopets (yeah, I’m so cool) or watch movies anymore because I’ve found these other things frivolous and unnecessary in my life. And this is seen especially from the villages who have no internet and my own experience on this trip without internet for 2 weeks that I realize the plethora of time I waste online back home that I could be spending doing something more useful. Remember in December in one of my blogs where I was ranting on how I was an ungrateful child for always ignoring my mother when she tried to make conversation with me and I brushed her off with my excuse of “having too much homework?” Well guess what? Mothertime now replaces youtubetime.

But I guess what hit me the most was in comparison to the laid back and carefree days of the tour week is the moment we got back to Canada, I feel like I am bombarded with various tests and quizzes and the announcement that more exams were to come before I take the IB exams that’s due in May. And to add onto the stress, spring means ultimate and track and field and I am extremely scared for the team this year as all of our senior players are IB students and would probably be absent during playoffs for IB exams. At times like this, the last thing I would want is to have an emotional break-down about the Global Trip, but I’ve been having those too, especially when I was uploading all the Fiji photos on facebook and writing the script for the Global perspective presentation we gave to the up and coming global Ed-ers in gr.11. It seems difficult to transition, and although I know it’s just the nature of this program, I somehow feel cast aside like a once rooted dandelion firmly standing in a ground where I was comfortable and now suddenly pulled out to make room for a new batch of seeds. Ironically, I also was once a seed and it is only when I have now finally grown and experienced the program, at the height of my epiphany that I must move and make way. I’m sure this is something that the Mongolians also had to cope with last year. When they were all emotional and changed people from their trip, the first thing they would have wanted to have done was to talk it through with their classmates and with the teachers that went on their trip. But at that time, they had to keep it in and watch from the outside when Matheny was conducting the interview process for the new Global kids which were us Fijians. And now I finally understand what it feels like to be looking in from the outside. It feels sentimental, a little nostalgic, and very heartrending. In fact, every single one of the Fijians wished we could relive our experience so we created a “sign-up” list just for us. I guess in a way, it fills the emptiness and it gives a reason to hope until we all visit our Fijian family in Wavuwavu again. Although I am extremely sad at this idea, I do want to wish luck to all the Gr.11s who have signed up for this program, because honestly, it has been the best thing that has happened to me.

After the weekend trek to the mountains, I felt that everyone became really tired. And the past 2 days have been like any other work day. Yesterday was pretty special because we went and visited a Fijian elementary school called the “Wavuwavu Indian School.” And at this school, you can see that there were minimal to no Fijian boys and just a few Fijian girls. This reminded me of the first day we came to the construction site and there was the “opening ceremony” where the locals were divided to sit in different places- Fijian women under the tarp, and Indian women sitting in the wooden foundation of the community center we were suppose to finish. Also, no women spoke about the ceremony itinerary and it seemed like the Indian men ran the show- the women only danced their native dances (and even then, Fijian and Indian dances were separated) But at the school, it seems that despite the school name of being an “Indian school,” all the kids intermingle and play with one another. Even at the work site, there were a few boys I have become really attached to- Avashik, Tesh, Chopei, Ronale, and Radi, and on the first day, I met all of them and they played together so well that I wasn’t even aware of their ethnic backgrounds. But when I picked one of the boys up and carried him away from the site that I was suppose to rake, one of the local men felt compelled to tell me that the boy I was carrying, Chopei, was half Fijian and half Indian. I thought it was weird that he felt the need to stop me midway and “warn” me as if interracial children were dangerous or something. But regardless of what the adults say or how they see the situation, the children have a different “perspective” and they are extremely tolerant of one another. In fact, most of my friends in Global Ed couldn’t even tell between the Fijian girls and boys and thought that Limba (the first Fijian kid I met) was a guy because she hanged around the “naughty village boys.” So in a sense, there is a racial divide between the adults (and apparently there was a lot of village politics dependent upon ethnicity) but I feel that change is inevitable and the Fijian and Indian children definitely show it. I guess what I can relate this to is how all children in a sense want to be independent and stray away from their parents’ customs if they don’t believe in them. Even for me, although I respect my parents very much, I feel that there are some things that only  I can do for myself because I should not follow or relive my parents’ lives, but create my own path to live.

March 21, 2011

So today has been very generic- the same as any other work day. Everyone is working hard and we are hoping to get the external of the community centre and the second hole finished. But the reason we are so full of energy today is because we got the day off yesterday. On sundays, it is the Fijian “day of rest” and so all the shops close and all the Fijians get the day off. So because of that, the teachers decided that we’ll try something different and we had a full day planned for hiking, watching the sacrifice of a goat, and attending the celebration of colours.

And indeed, what a day it was! The day has been a tornado of emotions- good and bad. It started off very somber in the morning because we were watching the killing of a goat, which made some people very uneasy. I mean, when we first saw the goat, it was a moving, living animal to us, and probably a pet to the Fijian village children and we would never have imagined it to be our lunch served as a curry. But regardless of our own innocent justifications, this is the cycle of life. We all eat meat (except for vegetarians) and eating this goat with 4 legs that’s “baa-ing” at me is no different than eating eating packaged at a butcher’s shop back at home. I had sort of a “TOK” moment where I pondered when we (as humans) define an animal as “meat” or as “animal” or “pet.” It was really disturbing to me because at home, we eat steak and chicken fingers without batting an eyelash, while here when we saw the goat get tied on all fours and flipped around with its neck restrained and a knife shining above it, our heart starts pounding against our chests and we feel like criminals. I’m sure many people thought at the moment when a local Fijian (by the name of Vijay) slit open the throat of the goat (while the goat was struggling and its eyes twitching) that they wouldn’t have minded switching to a vegetarians lifestyle in exchange for not watching this “ceremiony.” But afterwards, I realized that this goat is now “meat” like any other “meat” we see at save-on-foods and the fact of the matter is that, back at home, we probably wouldnt have used all the pieces of meat on an animal and here, they use everything on the goat for something- the skin for drums, the bones for dogfood, the meat for curry and the horns for tools. Nothing is wasted and perhaps, this way of “sacrifice” is the more natural way to “kill” an animal. Anyways, it was hard to watch and it was very interesting to see the sudden change in emotion when we went to the festival of colours because everyone was laughing and dancing to the music while the local Fijians were throwing coloured powder and water on us. But for me today, I think the most rewarded part of it was climbing to the top of the mountain that overlooks the village and seeing just what a paradise Wavuwavu is and just being one with nature. At the time, I honestly wouldn’t have minded if I became a hermit and lived there on the hill forever.